The Trails

I wish I could look back at life one day and the past with a big smile pouring from my heart. Not with a feeling as though lemon have been twisted upon it.

Time passes so fast. I wonder if my decision is correct sometimes. If these times are worth passed on like this. If I were to die today, would I be regretting something? Shouldn't I be going back my hometown more often? I miss it so much. It is growing more and more these days.

I don't know. I am still in denial sometimes.

People tell me that I am a workaholic. I know that too. Maybe I still persist in because I fear of letting go. The world will still revolve without me.

My aunt told me the other day, I gotta stop these hectic life. She fears that one day I will just drop dead. Literally. I feel that too these days. What if I just never wakes up. I could feel my body detoriating a lil. 2010, is this the year you need to be letting go a lil. Give yourself a lil more time. How? I get so frusfrated when I have to push away invites for fun. It's so sad. I need to live a life. Be brave. Throw it in. I keep telling myself, I have to let go some after a raise at work. The dice have been rolled and the table is just waiting for my last card to be thrown off.

It is time now, yet I still miss teaching the 2 wonderful students that I have been seeing the progress. The other two can just be trash away, dealing with them 3 years makes me feel like a failure. I might just get high blood pressure to handle them another year. What should I do? Part of me cries off to take a break.

Being in the harp fest was rather inspiring. I see so many talented musician and how much effort the have put on to hone their skills. Ive been reminded again that I have spread myself so thin, even thinner than the spider's thread. Rolling stone gathers no moss. Jack of all traits, master of none. That's what I am going to become if I cant stop it. My fingers are rusting up. I have not touched the piano for a long time. All pushed off for the sake of work. Is that what I want? It is all going to snap anytime now if I do not do something about it. Is money everything? Is it something I need so much now? Would I be happy with just a moderate earning?

If I could survive with only 1400 or less last time, why cant I do it now?

Should I let it go? Decisions need to be make. I need to improve myself desperately. I want to be a full fledged musician/educator. Not just a 'half a bucket of water' like a chinese proverb would say. I think I have said it. Next is just the action. It is such a heartbreaking decision.

I think it is time. :(

Dear god and goddess, please give me the courage.

Blessed it be.