My Space

As I grow older, space matter. Space can be link to freedom. Independence. It's been 3 years since I moved in here in Sunway. I grew to like it quite a lot. Pyramid can be called my second home. I remember i stepped into A404 on 14th July 2003, or at least somewhere around that date. I never left a tear when I left home, I am more than excited! My own room, own computer, own way to carry out my life. Hmm..not exactly my own, but half of it. Still financially dependent and still sharing a room. I am blessed with a good roommate, von :). Besides that, I have a whole bunch of wacky housemates during that first semester. Then, the quality of housemates got worst and worst. Messy, dirty and unbearable. The worst is this semester. I felt like I am living with ghosts sometimes. But not the whole house, just a few particular people. I shall not start to bitch about it, because that's not the purpose of this post. So, this means that my space have been invaded and violated. I do not welcome those dirty and cold bunch of people.

30th June 2006, This will be the day I officially stepped out of Sunway into another home. Half of me is reluctant to move. Living with your mother's friend is not a good idea. I finally understood this point, even though I have not even move into the house. It means half of your freedom is being slashed. Its worst than hostel curfew. You have to start thinking of not coming back late or not get your mum's friend worried about you. It seems that when I move in, she have a responsibility to take care of me. I don't need that extra nurture, just a company. I decided to move there because I thought she would be somebody familiar. Wrong. Its a burden for me. I have bad vibes, even bad vibes of living in that area.

Today, I will be moving half of things to the room. I don't think the room could occupy all of my things. I told my mum. She asks me to bear. Wow! Expected. I don't think I can live without internet for 6 months. Besides that, the reason I want to move out is to have more space of my own and not get an even stricter curfew. Snatch thieves seems to occur over that area quite often. And so I have heard, its not a very safe place to live in. I think anywhere in KL or PJ or elsewhere is never safe. 'Just be streetwise and have faith' like Josie say. I have to start looking for a new place soon. I have reach point that I don't think I can bear anymore. Telling myself 'everything will be ok, just bear it a bit more'. Bearing means bottling up. My bottle is full. Its leaking out of the lead.

I have bear with Form 6. Telling myself that I could lighten my parent's financial burden and try to live in it. I created a drive that I want to enter local university to be a pharmacist. Form 6 was hell. It is finally over and a new path would be spread in front of me to chooose. I thought bearing with that I could be able to get what I want finally. Punishment and reward to drive me through it. I wanted to do music. My parents gave me false hope, and I ended up in Monash University doing Communication, not Mass Communication. My second choice.

I have to bear with BA of Communication. Telling myself that I love that course and trying to find that the course is interesting. Yes, I did manage to find some good points. However, there are still plenty of holes in the fantasy I create to comfort myself. If its so good and if I have so much passion over it, why is there a hinge of regret that I have wasted 3 years. Oops, I did it again. The same mistake that I did in Form 6. Those pathetic 'bear with it' and 'it will be ok after this' technique. I HAD ENOUGH!!

I got so angry over these years that my passion for a lot of things has slowly dissappeared. Angry of how cowardly I am. How timid. Joy is right, 'You did not fight enough'. Art, music, cooking...it all just drift away. I can't find a reason to live lately. I'm tired of being what people expect me to be. The good filial daughter. Being a girl.

Parents got a place over in Damansara. They say its a stepping stone for my bro and I. I really appreciate them being thoughtful and responsible parents. Maybe you can call me unfillial or unappreciative. I do not like the place they bought. I don't enjoy studio apartment very much unless I am the only one living there. I have to share it with my brother a year later. I don't mind sharing a house with my brother where we have our own room, but this is a studio apartment. They plan to do partition. I don't think that is any good. They always say that its an investment, its for them and if I don't want..It doesnt matter. Crap! Its under my name first of all. Next, I am EXPECTED to pay half of the loan instead of paying rent to somebody else for a place. In the end of the day, I am EXPECTED to live there. Isn't it stupid that you have your own place and you want to rent elsewhere? That seems to be a rational.

I want to be stupid. I have an evil thought to not move in there at the end of the year. For now, I am going to find a new place soon. Somewhere that I will feel I belong there. I do not like living in Damansara Perdana because its at the other end of the world. I have grew to like Sunway area and Subang area. I don't want to live in the studio apartment. I want nice housemates. I don't mind living with my brother if each of us have a room of our own.

I JUST WANT MY OWN SPACE.

People always says that parents never listen. I believe that parents have made an effort to listen these days. However, the definition of 'listen' should not be literal, it should be 'listening and accepting'. What's the point of listening to you and refusing to accept the REAL YOU. They listen and try to be sneaky by softening down with advice that tries to change what you are presenting to them. Is it generation gap? I don't think so. Parents tries to shape their kids into particular way that they imagine their kids to be. However, kids have their own mind and they are an individual of their own. My mother always says I never share anything about my life with her. In fact, all this while I have always been telling her who I am but I realize that she refuses to see what I want to be. So, it was never true last time that I did not share anything but it is NOW. I have grew to keep things within myself. My dreams are still made of glass and still finding ways to solidify into steel. Its hard to share with someone who tries to destroy it instead of giving a bit of support.

I don't want to hear 'what if'...I just want to know 'how to'.

Hmmmm...long post.

In short, next mission: Find somewhere new to move to by August.