How much are you worth?

How much do I worth?

I am not talking about self value here or anything to do with esteem. Just how much are you worth in a company that you are working in? I was just talking to my colleague about pay rates, how much should I put for expected salary. After years of working, sometimes I forgot that I am beyond an undergraduate rate. Staying in the same company for four years, the word appraisal or bonus seems almost non existent or empty promises. I asked myself, what do I work to strive for in my job, where is the motivation?

At the beginning of the whole cycle, I think money might not mean so much as after 4 years. I charged towards upgrading myself and try to be competent in the job I am in. I try very hard and I do hope I have moved from amateur to experienced. Indeed, it is easier to handle classes nowadays compared to previously. I can spin out lesson plans in minutes or so because I have resources at hand. Do more research to find more new and creative activities. As I progress gradually, somehow the salary stays stagnant. My work gets more and more, not as energetic as last time probably due to burnt out , that never really had time to recover. Events after events, churning out like a factory. And like huge factory, with mass production there will be a loss of quality.

They take off much of my time but yet with my experience, I feel that I am worth much more and the inflations. Last year increment after 3 years was a joy to me, but this year, it means nothing. The petrol and food prices hiked up! After talking to colleague today, with 4 years of experience, we are not paid as it should be compared to elsewhere. Let me list out how pathetic it can be, a school without a desk for teachers, now even worst, no water provided for staff. Medical fee of RM10 a month when doctor's fees are about RM40-50 depending on how sick you are. The amount of over time. What I hate most is, carrying heavy speakers, choral risers and piano from one end the other. They are great accountants, they know how to be calculative . For instance, using the Saturday of the weekend where Labour's holiday falls on for work and made it compulsory. And plus a school that have no respect for teachers. Students run away when help is needed. After concerts, not a thank you and credits on screen goes to how wonderful the children only. What about staff who have worked so hard to put it up?

When 1 factor out of 3 in a job remains, maybe it is time to move on. The 3 factors are money, colleague and boss. I love what I do, I can bear with less money for a lil while. However, if there is only one factor worth holding on, I don't think it is strong enough to hold the heart.

It's time. I have to remind myself all the time. Move out of the comfort zone, go swim into the outer depth of the ocean. You have been too comfortable that you have became fearful.

Time to pack up the bags and clean the closet.

Time to leave.

I pray for god to bless my journey and my preparation.

May you be kind to me.

Cheers!

The Gamelan Project

Another year with Rhythm in Bronze in The Gamelan Project. Thank you! :) It is a happy hour show in collaboration with a few MPO players. This year we feature different gamelan music from different region which includes Javanese, Sundanese, Malay, Balinese and Modern.

All good things always falls at the same time. School concert rehearsals and my own one around the same week. I have never felt so exhausted to the point I get lost in the same building. Hands nearly fell off after at night..straight to bed as there is a war coming on tomorrow. Secondary PA showcase. This year it is MIka and Bon Jovi for choir item :)

好久了

新的一年已经到了， 2011。。。不知道该这么解释今年的期待和愿望。很多回忆突然间的漂过我脑海里。以前的愿望和要求在生活里，还有事业，还有对这个世界的看法。全都好像发了一场梦。

真的是很多事情好久没有去想起， 感受 还有时间过的太充满，太快了！好可怕啊！突然觉得自己失去了灵魂在这几年里。不过也不是完全失去。很多梦想已成真了。这儿就是一种代价吧。。。

现在，让我数下一些好久已没感受到的事青，不巧的在这一两个月里遇见：

1）终于不用担心星期六的钢琴科。虽然少了学生，有点儿难过， 不过可以当作我给自己的空间和时间探一口气。去看看世界也好。

2）很久没有写 Blog ，还是用华语去写。还好有电脑帮忙，因为我还没可以用手去写字。不过在这十年里，我的中文真的有少少的进步。 可以写出这么多字已经很开心了 ：）但是还会希望有一天可以写跟好和标准的作文。

3）好久没有摸到我的狗狗了。那天梦到它。我最喜欢拥抱它。希望它在天堂过的快乐健康。

4） 好久没有谈回大学的快乐又幽默的日子。那天很辛云可以遇到久朋友和我的老师，在大学帮朋友的一个录影片断project时候。好开心和非常的想念。

5）好久没有大笑一场，笑到肚子痛。

6）好久没有看到帅哥了，还有那儿种中学谙恋的感觉， 哈哈！别想太多，就放松的去享受这种感觉吧， 二十八岁的我，我碴儿点忘掉这种事还尊在。呼呼。。生活太忙的代价。为了梦想，有时候回失去一些平凡和最简单的东西。但是我没有遗憾。

好了， 我要睡觉了！

大家晚安！

明天是假期！

良かったね！

FFK

I have been ffk-ed today. Without a notice. How many times I have wished for this person to visit me, I get REALLY reallyy excited when I get a sms to meet up or to stay over in my place. And many of this times I have been let down. When am I going to learn, stop putting up hopes in meeting this person. The best motto might be "see you when i see you". It dates back to years back, I always been waiting. But often, there are certain circumstances that came up that I have to understand. It goes from house arrest, parents wants her back, need to see bf, going to SIngapore and bla bla... But I am human too. Do you understand me? The reason I get upset about it because I really miss you and hope to have catch up that s all.

However, I have made a promise to myself to never complain about this coz we have argued about it. And then it goes to her telling me cant you understand my situation and I cant help it and bla bla bla. I think almost 5-6 years has passed. I may have grown a lil. I dont complain anymore, I try to accept it and forgive and stupidly continue to believe those promises. Dont bother giving me hopes that you are coming or planning when you don't really mean it. Or just passing by. I am still waiting for a day that it is really an official date set aside for lunch or dinner, to just make that time for me. Not take me as part of the side business, and drop by to visit.

I think I have had it enough today. Wake up Lilow. wake up and smell the air and to a world of everything changes. Wake up to think about a change to goes with all the changes.

A nice phrase from the drama I watched: "Love in the 20s is an illusion, Love in the 30s is fickle and those who reach 40s can know true platonic love for the first time"

Some thoughts came up to me too. Teaching music to a kid, the connection of a student to the teacher. It s almost like a relationship between a mother and a kid. You watch them grow and you are excited by every bit that they have grown. And when the time comes they will be independent and flies away and be a pray that they be a better bird that yourself. Some students will be forced to leave your life due to circumstances are like a death in the relationship, passed on, just a metaphore.

Lazy sunday. Easy one. FFK-ed one.

May peace be with me.

Gamelan Composition Workshop

I think I had never worked out so hard in the gym. Or maybe I could say I have not experienced these kind of body aches since high school. Remember during high school? A week or two before sports day if you are in athletic or sports, you would train really hard for days till your bones feel like breaking. Well, that's how I felt for these 4 day workshop from 23rd to 26th September 2010.

Musicians are pretty much like athletes in some ways. We need to warm up before practise or we might heard ourselves. Most of the times, we ignore it. Well, today's topic is not about this. This workshop is to showcase the composition of 3 of RIB members, which is Ann, Umar and LFong. We are pretty much the participants of the workshop, players for their piece. 2 half day rehearsals and 2 full day rehearsals to learn up 4 new songs before showing it to the audience for feedback. The purpose is to get some response about the new songs.

Gareth Farr came all da way from NZ to facilitate the workshop, guide us musically, gave the composers some pointers and taught us bout composing for our 5th piece, which is a group effort piece. He set a time frame of 4 minutes and split it into half, where the climax is suppose to happen. Each of us have to give a vague idea on the sections happening in between the song. So, the final results was a section with sparse sound leading to low register notes to high register notes to canon to repetitive notes and then to chords played in sync (Climax) then to Q and A and lastly ending with sounds imitating nature. Pretty experimental in sound and sometimes could be a lil messy, but I guess post modern music is always that way. It is free yet contrained in a particular structure that progress without signal.

One embarrassing moment for me. A wrong note for the gong part during a slow melodious section. I don't know where to bury my face..lol. I mixed up the gong 5 and gong 6! Ahhh!!

Love the space in Five Arts Studio.


My fellow gong partner Colleen, wahahah! :)




Lunch break at the restaurant beside the studio with the gangA group picture of RIB and Gareth, missing of Adilah and Susan in this picture.

Well, till next post before I upload the full one. After the workshop, and also after every rehearsal, the song just keep playing back in my head. It was difficult to fall asleep. But an exhausting week yet fun! Gonna be so sleepy on Monday...

The Trails

I wish I could look back at life one day and the past with a big smile pouring from my heart. Not with a feeling as though lemon have been twisted upon it.

Time passes so fast. I wonder if my decision is correct sometimes. If these times are worth passed on like this. If I were to die today, would I be regretting something? Shouldn't I be going back my hometown more often? I miss it so much. It is growing more and more these days.

I don't know. I am still in denial sometimes.

People tell me that I am a workaholic. I know that too. Maybe I still persist in because I fear of letting go. The world will still revolve without me.

My aunt told me the other day, I gotta stop these hectic life. She fears that one day I will just drop dead. Literally. I feel that too these days. What if I just never wakes up. I could feel my body detoriating a lil. 2010, is this the year you need to be letting go a lil. Give yourself a lil more time. How? I get so frusfrated when I have to push away invites for fun. It's so sad. I need to live a life. Be brave. Throw it in. I keep telling myself, I have to let go some after a raise at work. The dice have been rolled and the table is just waiting for my last card to be thrown off.

It is time now, yet I still miss teaching the 2 wonderful students that I have been seeing the progress. The other two can just be trash away, dealing with them 3 years makes me feel like a failure. I might just get high blood pressure to handle them another year. What should I do? Part of me cries off to take a break.

Being in the harp fest was rather inspiring. I see so many talented musician and how much effort the have put on to hone their skills. Ive been reminded again that I have spread myself so thin, even thinner than the spider's thread. Rolling stone gathers no moss. Jack of all traits, master of none. That's what I am going to become if I cant stop it. My fingers are rusting up. I have not touched the piano for a long time. All pushed off for the sake of work. Is that what I want? It is all going to snap anytime now if I do not do something about it. Is money everything? Is it something I need so much now? Would I be happy with just a moderate earning?

If I could survive with only 1400 or less last time, why cant I do it now?

Should I let it go? Decisions need to be make. I need to improve myself desperately. I want to be a full fledged musician/educator. Not just a 'half a bucket of water' like a chinese proverb would say. I think I have said it. Next is just the action. It is such a heartbreaking decision.

I think it is time. :(

Dear god and goddess, please give me the courage.

Blessed it be.

What a week

I love today! Finally a day of peace in for this week.

What a lot of drama goes on for the whole week. Well, let's start from episode 1 :)

I have moved to my new place. Finally got everything parked. People can get so paranoid sometimes. My wonderful new neighbour, gave me a fantastic welcome. Stuck a note on my windscreen " Please do not park here. Tq'. It was only the first time i parked there and less than 3 hours. Then, at night, my tenant came to ask me bout my piano practising timing, it seems the bitchy neighbour saw my piano moving in and afraid I would be opening classical rock concert everyday. HELLO? u dun even know me and I havent even touch my piano since it arrived. What SHIT. Episode 1 end.

Episode 2 happens in school, if such popularity keeps up, I have full confidence I can publish a book of quotes soon.

On the the 28th of July 2010, I quote :

"If a leader complains upon responsibilities they have to carry and venge their frusfration upon their follower, then they do not deserve the honour and reward placed upon them by their follower"

I had a whole lot of reactions from everyone everywhere :) Which is nice because I guess perhaps most people shared the same thoughts or had some experience of the same kind elsewhere. Unfortunately in my situation, my boss thinks its about him. LOL, and it created a whole drama in the company. It s just hillarious. Well, if you are reading this, it's not about you. Don't worry ok and don't perasan. My life is not all about my work and besides you do not know me very well enough to judge me or make assumptions. I hope i did not make your day bad from it. HAHA.
End of episode 2.

There are a few more episodes which I think I should stop mentioning more. I have a bad feeling my karma is building up. And its not worth it for such cause.

Hmm, finished spilling the beans frusfration.

Destressed.